These are a lot of pictures. I've been taking pictures again lately, so that makes me happy. Caption it up.
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Today, I want to give up. But instead, I am going to be thankful because otherwise Paul will hit me over the head with another reminder to be thankful tomorrow and I will once again say "OH DUH SORRY PAUL / I'M ALSO REALLY SORRY JESUS BECAUSE PAUL WAS JUST WORKIN FOR YOU LETS BE REAL." Tonight I am thankful for...
My Habibi. Awkward moments in the Philips garden. Evening drinks in the cabin followed by windy walks in the warm sun. Dogs in night class! The fact that I was able to cry, Becca cry, for the first time in a month. Holland saying she was glad that she caught me and insisting in hugging me. Michelle hugs. My Habibi's hand and loving touches. Singing hallelujah. Hearing God tell me that he loves me and accepts me no matter what. The image of Molly and Jordan surrounding me with love coming true. Knowing that I had a Sam hug waiting for me at the end of the row. Friends who are excited that I finally cried. That awkward forearm time with Coral. (But really just the way I don't get why I'm loved by her... Yet I like I anyway.) Adam asking if I am okay. Maddie Vetsch loving on me. Boldness and real conversations. Knowing that I am good at reading people, even when it's hard. Alexi texting me "I LOVE YOU BECCA ZIMMERMAN" and hearing it from Gods voice. Knowing that at the end of the day when my strength is gone and I'm sitting in the stairwell about to lose it, I can cry out to a God who knows me, gets it, loves me, and can actually bring about peace. "If you are overwhelemed by anything, love is a good thing to be overwhelmed by." - Molly Bray I lay on the floor, my head resting on a giant grey cushion and my hands petting the softest dog I've ever felt. Again, thoughts of contentment run through my head. A day of relaxing, truly resting in this home that is not my own. Jenna is next to me, laughing her full laugh. Soon, I get to sleep in my own space, in a large comfortable bed. I get to awake to a homemade breakfast and more conversations with people who know and love Jesus. I feel accepted here. I feel peaceful here. I am grateful for this place. Dear Jenna,
I really love your family and learning where you come from. I love seeing the differences between you and your family, but also understanding more about who you are by meeting them. For instance, your laugh. It surpasses everyone as far as duration and volume; I love that laugh so much and I can't imagine you without it. It has brought me joy and brought me to a place of laughter more times that I can tell you. Also, I can't believe no one in your family would find their true laugh. At least they played "what are the odds" a time or two for us. There are similarities though too; bold blue eyes are a signature in your family. But I think yours are the brightest. You all have a similar sense of humor, but you are more up front than most in your family. Your brother is a pretty funny guy once you get him going. Way to totally undersell the easter egg hunt. I don't think I've ever seen 6 twenty-somethings fight so hard to find over 200 easter eggs hidden around one floor of a house. I got a great deal of entertainment watching the two guys go at it in the end - their competitive nature won out. Your mom's heart is full of care and her actions are that of a servant. I see in you her love of entertaining, decorating, and making ridiculously good food. Your dad doesn't say much, but all of his words carry great value. I see in you his sensibility, trust in God, and desire to do whatever you can for others. Those three days at your house are some I will always remember. Especially the food. The food was amazing. But mostly I will remember the love. This is so cheesy, but being in a room full of people who are connected and related and love each other and all love Jesus? That is super powerful and not easily forgotten. Thank you for inviting me into your life and into your family. I love you dearly. Holla at life lately. I'm a fan. But there's pie and guitars involved so of course I am. Lately I have been...
listening to: Peggy Sue, because it's solid music from this century eating: loads of veggie wraps and black licorice flavored jelly beans drinking: out of two different water bottles because I'm too lazy to refill mine as often as I need to reading: Crazy Love by Francis Chan (finally) wanting: to learn how to spell learning: how to play Middle of June by Noah Gunderson singing: while I swim, to increase my lung capacity and because it's fun enjoying: my hair today, just one of those days, folks looking: up more often than at the ground waiting: for the anger to ebb and the healing to begin wondering: if I will ever actually cry as much as I used to laughing: so much with Jenna because I just always do needing: to go to bed because I'm not actually doing homework anymore thanking: Jesus for placing good friends in my life that pray for me smelling: febreeze because it got on my sweatshirt after the towel fire incident of 2014 wearing: this ding dang grey zip up every day because it's just so stinking comfortable feeling: confused, comforted, and a new bit of closure bookmarking: new recipes every day during 401 marveling: at the throne, the repetition of Holy, revelation song, and revelations 4 hoping: that I will make it through the next few days with joy and thankfulness inspired by: this post by Bump Set Speich (aka Alexi, my dear one) I am learning that I don't know what it looks like to have brothers.
I think for a long time, I was afraid of doing it wrong, so instead I just didn't do it at all. Or I just kept a really really safe distance and only let them see a projected image of myself. Lately, God has been surrounding me with the love of my brothers. I haven't been receiving it well. In fact, it has mostly just confused me. I have a brother who gives me high fives every time I see him. I have a brother who walks me and Anna safely to the doors of our dorms. I have a brother who tells me that he appreciates my blog and my honesty. I have a brother who spends over three hours just sitting at the front desk with me... not necessarily talking or interacting the whole time, sometimes just being there. I have a brother who wants me to paint him a watercolor bookmark. I have a brother who wants to go climbing with me sometime. I have a brother who is willing to get up before 7 am just to chat with me before church. I have a brother who steps down when he senses I may be uncomfortable. I have a brother who teaches me how to beatbox and tells me I'm good at shaking eggs and harmonizing. I have a brother who will be sincerely honest with me in talking about relationships and not-fun truths. It's overwhelming just seeing this list of how I have been loved by God through my brothers this past week. Some of them I've received better than others, especially when I am the one who initiates or asks for the love in some way, it's easier to accept. But when it just comes out of nowhere, I ask "What the heck? What is this? What do you want from me?" Oh God, I want you to change how I view your children, especially your sons. You have blessed me with some incredible men in my life and I want to count them as blessings instead of putting up walls and avoiding or questioning their care for me. Help me to show them care as well, but mostly God, I pray that you would teach me to honor and respect them and rejoice in who you are making them to be. I read the book Backwater over spring break. It had beautiful insights, as I think many preteen novels do.
Rules for the backwater // for life 1. Decide you're going to make it. 2. Use fear - don't let it use you. 3. God or Nothing: rely on Him in every situation. 4. Focus on the goal ahead. 6. Celebrate your victories, no matter how small. 7. Leave nothing behind but your footprints. 8. The wilderness teaches patience. Today was just one of those days. Tuesdays seem to be.
These are some of the beautiful moments of today... ...recognizing that the swimmer beside me was Jewish and getting to delight my best friend with that news. ...truthful, faithful conversations over kick boards and chlorine. ...really slow mornings. ...coffee and bran muffins - the ultimate digestive test. ...longboarding in the sunshine. ...getting to say that yeah, I'm doing alright. So thankful for that. ...unexpected productivity. ...a wit comm of intimate intercession in the sunshine ...seeing Alexi RIGHT after I was thinking about how much she would be enjoying this sunny day. ...eating a delicious lunch around those I love. I get to do that almost every day. Isn't that a miracle? ...sitting in the secret place with Molly. Sharing my heart. Hearing hers. Knowing how much that means. ...ice cream with Jenna and Adam asking us in his truck why we didn't get him any. ...the laughter Jenna and I shared and the realization that we are both spontaneous. Followed by a spontaneous trip to Just Local to grab some ginger beers and get hit on for being a ginger. ...connecting with one of the most friendly and caring freshman I've met. ...honey mustard on my pretzels. ...Anna randomly showing up in my room to study. That girl cracks me up so much. ...a failed attempt at adventure with Jordan. I need to work on my fence - hopping skills. ...praying over Jordan and listening to her heart. #cryingsweatshirt ...shared black licorice with my roommate. ...late night phone calls under christmas lights with Jenna. ...songs that just get it right. I am learning
...to say no when everything in my flesh is screaming yes. ...that grace needs to come before truth. ...to be grateful for my busyness, because although I am busy, I am thankful to be doing what I love. ...to enjoy rain. Holland is to thank for this. ...that I do not need coffee everyday. ...to read the news. ...about a side of Jesus I have never explored, his humanity. ...the good and bad ways I can go about caring from afar. ...that I really like to sleep, even if I don't have very good dreams most nights. ...that there is a reason that trees don't have leaves until late spring. ...about the potter's hands. ...how to paint with watercolors. ...how to be patient and present. ...that I probably like dancing far more than I'll ever admit. Life lately in ten words:
rehearsal, children, conversation, active, catharsis, whatisschool, conflict, sleep, grateful, seeking. |
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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