My dear, sweet husband has to leave fairly frequently because of his job. The spring is a lot less frequent, but at the beginning of summer he always has CFW, which means two whole WEEKS without him. When he is gone, the apartment just isn’t the same.
I miss… ...morning snuggles in our warm bed and seeing half of your face. ...the wolf pants. ...the delicious coffee & oatmeal you make to start our days. ...Friday morning oatmeal - with chocolate chips! ...coming home to you each afternoon. ...laughter, tackling, and tickles. ...being called an athlete after every run. ...making you dinner (& having you do the dishes, let’s be honest). ...having someone to drag me off the couch & to the bathroom at night when I’m just too tired to move anymore. ...making snacks with you. ...having adventures with you. ...watching West Wing & Scrubs & drinking nighttime coffee. I love you Sam. You are my best friend & in my opinion, the best partner & teammate anyone could ever ask for. Here’s to a lifetime of homemade italian pizzas, 2 mugs of pourover coffee, and reading books until we fall asleep.
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It is Sunday morning and there is peace and stillness in my home. I sit at my couch with my runt-of-the-litter cinnamon roll and the final swigs of lukewarm coffee. I cherish this time every Sunday, a time of quiet and stillness and individual pursuit on the day of rest that the Lord has given us.
This particular Sunday, I am grateful for the grey clouds and windy skies, for although they will mean no afternoon tennis game, they are also an encouragement to slow down and be still. Yesterday, chaos and noise were the rulers of the house as Sam had 3 guy friends over and they chatted and played music and drank coffee. I made them go on a picnic in a park by the lake first, and we had tabbouleh and chips and guac and semi-frozen peaches from a jar. Friday night was spent with Jordan and it was such a joy. I loved sitting and talking as the summery evening faded to darkness, slowly but surely. We ate brats and sweet potato fries and played tennis in the park and it truly did feel like summer. Only the outline of my school on the edge of the park reminded me of Monday to come. Saturday morning Holland came to town and she met the bread man and I had a few bites of pretzel and the last swigs of lukewarm coffee in the bottom of Holland's mug. I wasn't hungry because of the cashews I devoured after my morning run. So here's where it gets good. Did you wait patiently until the end? Last night, I had a dream in which I died. It began when two of my friends and I were a part of an investigation at the White House and all of a sudden, one of the agents that was a part of the investigation poked two of us in the back with a small, sharp key. We were poisoned and immediately passed out. (The other agent took her down via a choreographed large group dance/fight session.) The next thing I knew, I was at the front desk of the hospital and the head doctor was telling me to go home. She said I would die in my sleep sometime that night. I walked away weeping, but not with sadness. I was so overjoyed that in less than 12 hours, I would be seeing Jesus face to face. And I think that's kind of the whole point. I didn't run around frantically trying to convert as many people as I could, I was just satisfied with the fact that I would be seeing my Savior, finally meeting him. I have a hunch that may be what the moment is really like; not me sitting there in a pool of regret about all that I didn't do, but me rejoicing that I finally get to be with my first love. So there's something to take with you this Sunday morning. Shabbat shalom. NOT! the country. The person, of course! /\ That one is Holland. The others are cool too! But they are just not Holland. Photocredit: Isaac. I love Holland because every time I see her she tells me I smell like an organic grocery store and I'm like "IS there a better compliment on this EARTH?" (Nope.)
I love Holland because she cares very much about people and worries about hurting them (sometimes a little too much), but her heart is just so freaking full of compassion. I love Holland because who else can you leave voicemails laughing about the terrible things that you do? I love Holland because she leaves me voicemails laughing about the terrible things she does. I love Holland even though our relationship primarily exists in voicemails... I love Holland because she understands my deepest need: breakfast sandwiches. I love Holland because God gave us very similar break up stories and so we GET each other. I love Holland because she reminds me that rain can be a happy thing. I still hate it, but it reminds me of her, so it sort of makes me happy, I guess. I love Holland because she is one of God's prettiest creations. And those eyes. I love Holland because she is like a ray of sunny sunshine but she is also real like a garden carrot. (Garden carrots are sometimes bitter, so like, not 100% perfect, but they are wholesome & real.) I love Holland because she teaches me to love life & to love Jesus & to not fear non-Christians. I love Holland because she puts a lot of effort into seeing me even though I live in Guam. I love Holland because she loves the raw deal & my cozy home & Jane Eyre & good things. Wow, this weekend was so incredible. I am grateful and filled with renewed joy! Here are some of my favorite moments from the weekend. A evening with the Stout IV Exec board. They are such a joy! Also, Danny and his lemonade. Hah. Slow, sunny, Saturday morning. The perfect start to the weekend. Love that sunny window. Raspberry white chocolate scone from the bread man! I love Saturdays that include the bread man! Went to our first two rummage sales of the year! These lamps were cool. I didn't buy them. #growth Sam & I spent about 20 minutes just driving around & being okay with dead ends. We found this beautiful brick home right on the lake that I have dubbed my "If-I-Were-Rich Dream Home." Seeing Holland sing with her dear pals! I loved hearing Sure on this Shining Night done again! Eep! So thankful for this weekend. Not pictured: baseball in the park, tennis, phone calls with Jordan & Rachel, a quick hug on the porch with Molly Bray, and a 37:35 5k practice run (yikes). LOVE IT!
Today is one of the ROUGH days of my job. It is one of those days when I'm like ha, so what am I supposed to do? I don't know how to do my job... Today is also following yesterday, which was learn-that-you've-made-3-major-mistakes-before-9-am day. So, things are GR8. To say the least.
I came in timid, unsure of how to teach, but learning along the way. I hit my stride a few weeks back, but now one of the other special ed teachers is consistently taking one of my students and she treats her SO differently and reports her behavior so differently than the teacher I am subbing for does. I feel so stuck as to HOW I'm supposed to work with this student & what the goals are. And sometimes, It's frustrating being a sub. It's kind of like being a ghost. No one to sit by at the staff meetings. Some teachers still don't know my name. This morning, I walked into my room and two other teachers were having a meeting in there. I just went about my ghost business, gettin ready for the day. Then they left. Some days I'll talk to other humans in the teachers lounge and they ACTUALLY don't respond. What. I do have this really wonderfully fabulous co-worker that is my guardian angel and always tells me when I'm doing things that are probably not the best and talks me off the ledge when I'm on the verge of tears and we tell each other funny stories about our students (that involve poop at times). Interruption! SOS! There are four third-grade humans who just walked right into my room and gave me hugs. I can't even. THIRD GRADERS MUST SEE GHOSTS! I love my job. O My God,
When I look into the future, I am frightened, But why plunge into the future? Only the present moment is precious to me, As the future may never enter my soul at all. It is no longer in my power to change, correct or add to the past; For neither sages nor prophets could do that. And so what the past has embraced I must entrust to God. O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire. I desire to use you as best I can. And although I am weak and small, You grant me the grace of Your omnipotence. And so, trusting in Your mercy, I walk through life like a little child, Offering You each day this heart Burning with love for Your greater Glory. I always want to remember my first "real" job as a teacher. "Real" meaning: I teach & get paid for it. Each day is a little different, as it always is in Special Ed.
The mornings are slow, as I answer emails and prep for the day. I cherish these times and they aren't rushed, but they do seem to pass quickly. I always try to remember to put away my lunch, sign in, and fill up my water bottle in one run, but I think I've only remembered to do all 3 at once maybe a handful of times. At first, emailing someone was so intimidating, but now it is the easiest & most effective way to communicate. It definitely isn't as enjoyable as face-to-face. 8:45 is when my day really begins. That's when she comes. My full-time student. We'll call her Kari, because it almost conveys the spunk/sass packed into this tiny little child. I set timers to keep her on task and usually loom in the back of the cafeteria to make sure that she is behaving correctly at breakfast. 9:10-9:25 is our time, which can somedays be very rough, but is generally quite enjoyable. I like to be with her when she can be herself, and not when she is being forced to work. Math with the boys is like trying to get a bunch of dogs to pay attention in a park. There are too many squirrels to keep them on track. I love this group of three though. They are sweet to me and sweet to each other. Math with the girls is more like social hour, but I try to remind them why they're here and motivate them by giving them time for their homework. #bestteacherever Reading with Kari does something to the clock. The hands speed by while time actually moves at a snails pace. I have yet to understand this. This time ends in one of two ways: a singing performance, or a temper tantrum. There is no middle. Math with 4th grade is usually the time of day when I'm ready to pull my hair out. (See: temper tantrum at the end of reading.) Also, one of my students sometimes needs to be bribed with one piece of dark chocolate per math problem that he completes. One day, I gave him half of a Trader Joes dark chocolate truffle bar. I almost cried. But he got his whole math sheet done for the first time since I've been here! Then it's lunch/prep. Insert sigh of relief and happy dancing. Also, recess duty in the cold. SOS I hate this April. If I sit in the teacher's lounge, it's at the edge of my seat, waiting for a banging on the door from Kari. Girl has spunk I tell ya. Then is my favorite lesson of the day. Kari is at lunch and I get small group reading time with the two sweetest fourth grade boys in the world. It is peaceful and I am happy during this time. It's followed with my "prep period" which is more of a hilarious joke than anything. It consists of reteaching Kari how to blow her nose, taking her to the bathroom, coaxing her to write, and maybe successfully sending 1 email. Afternoon reading is usually quite enjoyable, but apparently if I make them read on their own, I am immediate the worst teacher ever in their eyes. They still get jolly ranchers every 3 days so I think they should quit their whining. I am clearly the best. Math with Kari and another 2nd grader is one of the hardest parts of the day. Kari is fighting for attention while the other student is trying to actually learn. She is DONE with Kari. I don't even need to remind her to ignore Kari's attention-seeking behavior. She just does. It makes me sad. Reading at the end of the day is with my math boys again. It's almost schools-out time in their minds, so getting them to focus is somehow WORSE than it is in the morning. We use a lot of bribery. We do vocabulary each day and they crack me up with what they think some words mean. "What does the word fuss mean?" (after studying the meaning for 4 days) "It means that a baby is hungry." Well, close enough. And that's pretty much a wrap. After school is usually spent getting Kari out the door and in her car. Sometimes I get to chat with Heidi (another SPED teacher) after school & those days are my favorite. I mean, right after the days when I get to actually leave at 3:30 and go home. :) So grateful to have such and incredibly stretching experience right after graduation. I've been told that Kari is one of the toughest students many of the SPED teachers have ever seen. Gotta start somewhere, right? ...rest
...create ...be in nature ...serve ...teach ...laugh ...live in community ...hug people ...listen ...make things beautiful ...care for my body ...be active ...sleep ...defend ...make delicious food ...play with children ...enjoy I'm really happy to be a blogger and to have a place to write. I need to write more often.
Whenever I see somebody write a list of what they're grateful for on their blog and I don't see my name, I always get a little down. I don't need to do that to myself. I'm learning to focus on the wonderful things Sam does, rather than the things that bother me. I LOVE that he makes the bed. I seriously can't get enough of it. (Does that even make sense?) I should probably get a Roth IRA pretty soon and that makes me feel like an adult. There has been ALTOGETHER too much adulting in the last year. Make it stop, soon. I want to eat a snow cone. In a music rut. Really thankful that my husband works for InterVarsity and an actual plan for a Thursday night is to go hang out with some Christians my age who sort of like me and definitely accept me. I'm realizing that this year I've kind of been putting all of my loneliness on my circumstance and not truly seeking Jesus in it. I'd like that to stop. I've started a new way of journaling that I LOVE and works out really fantastically. You can ask me about it. I've had too much boring, too much quiet. I want my crazy 2nd grade friend to come back. Is it Monday yet?! #saidnooneever Sometimes I wonder if I'm as funny as I think I am when I blog. I AM FULL OF WHIMSY Breakfast date on Saturdayyyyy! Nothing is better than breakfast. Especially when eaten with Holland. Because she is the queen of peace and making rainy days happy and being wonderful. Today, I ordered 10 yoga blocks from amazon. Getting so pumped to teach it this summer! One time, I had a friend who was a waiter and he told me that I could never be in food service because I couldn't handle it. I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DEAL WITH AN EBD 8-YEAR-OLD PLEASE AND THANK YOU. I still want a food service job to prove him wrong. Gotta work on my praying-for-people-over-the-age-of-11 prayer life. Starting a bible study next weeeeek, pumped like nobody's business. [Insert breifcase emoji] Today, I plotted out my plot for my summer garden. Community garden lovin'! #dirtyhippie Learning to be grateful in the everyday, because if I'm not, how can life be worth living? Every cloud has a silver lining... whatever that even means. Happy almost Friday, friends! To my first and best friend... I am sorry I got you in trouble the day I was born, It probably prepared you well for the next 18 years. Thank you for deciding to be my friend post-high school, Times with you have always been my favorite. I remember the chicken caesar salad I ate at an irish pub when I visited your freshman year, I felt so special to be included with the college kids. I remember eating freezie pops on your couch and watching about Michael Jackson's death, and that you were significantly less upset when you found it it was Jackson, not Jordan. I remember that lazy Sunday morning we spent playing Rummy, because we missed the bus for church and we had sunburnt shoulders from the beach I remember tacos in the 2-story apartment that held many roommates over the year, you introduced me to chipotle tabasco and it changed my life. I remember the summer that you lived with mom and painted your nails a different color every week, (the same summer you fell asleep with a highlighter in bed and stained my sheets yellow). I remember the pristine first apartment in Rockford, and the beautiful sprawling park we hiked in,
you would always take the floor whenever we came to visit. I remember our 30-something-hour drive to Glacier, because who could forget a thing like that. Driving away from a tornado siren, sleeping in parking lots, the plains of the dakotas, listening to Harry Potter, and eating a small child's weight in cheddar popcorn. I remember sleeping next to you in a tent and when I kicked you when you were sleeping, it took you about a year to come out of your sleeping bag you were burrowed so deeply. (Where was I?!) I remember the precarious hike across the waterfall, eating granola bars next to a glacier, and listening to 70-somethings gossip like they were 13. I remember your beautiful upper apartment, where you live now, a screened porch, sunny living room, and the pan that you kept on the wall when I hung it there as a joke. All of these visits, I have cherished deeply. Because of you, I now love the city of Milwaukee, because I remember our walks and our dinners and our late night conversations. Because of you, I have a deepened sense of adventure, as well as a love for the mountains and all bodies of water. Because of you, I have learned how to be a good hostess, I have learned to be selfless, and I have laughed like I have never laughed before. I have learned to apologize and learned to forgive. You are my first friend, and you are my dearest friend. I love you, Rachel. Happy Birthday. Yesterday, my mother-in-law lovingly encouraged me to get some shoes that are adult shoes, have actual support, and aren't from Goodwill (ahem). I also realized that I'm definitely going to need some new professional clothes as I start teaching full time this fall. So, this morning, I spent some time thinking/researching ways I want to continue to, essentially, make myself look good. And I know that sounds shallow, but at the same time, I know that it can be glorifying to God to have a love of aesthetics, to rejoice in the beauty of his creation (in this case, my wavy red hair, purple-ish skin, and size 11 feet), and to put energy into making sure the products I use aren't going to harm my body. (Plus, I got to learn some really cool things about natural hair!) But I did notice that after awhile, I could feel myself starting to feel that consumer "ick." It's the feeling you get when all of a sudden, everything in your life is no longer good enough and you need the next best thing, the latest and greatest (and, as in my case, you may not be able to afford it). So I started thinking about how I can be thankful for the here & now, the "stuff" I already have, but more importantly, the people and the experiences I get to have. Alexi often reminds me that even the breath in my lungs is a gift to be thankful for daily! After that very long introduction, there are some things I am thankful for: I am thankful for long drives in the country, especially when there are blue skies and sunshine. I am thankful for a brave husband/partner who stays calm when our car is in a ditch. #windsucks I am thankful for the opportunity to be creative and healthy while making afternoon sandwiches. I am also thankful for our VERY dope chest and how functional it is. I love this piece. I am thankful for that time when Sam & I walked to the co-op to buy groceries & as we are standing in line, he says "I am all of a sudden just so tired and thirsty. And I really want lemonade!" and so we buy some and drink it on the way home. Also, more blue skies! Love that. I am thankful for my Venus and Serena Williams racket that I found at St. Vinnies for about $4. Mine even has a neon orange handle. These sisters inspire me, even when I lose 6 games in a row, throw a fit, and then buy Sam a Kwik Trip brat as a peace offering. (All of these events are true.) Also, thankful for these little guys which I got to replant today! I hope they live! #seedlings #herbs
Lately, I've been thankful for...
...Sam. Who makes me breakfast, makes the bed, does the dishes, and serves me without ever complaining. ...a group of third graders who gave away the chance to win a signed Packer's helmet to a classmate who was battling cancer. ...phone conversations with my sister. ...middle-aged lady walks with Jordan. How'd we get so old? ...Parks and Recreation gag reels. BUT REALLY. ...peaceful Fridays... so thankful for today. The Lord provides. ...snow days on sunny Thursdays. ...all of my friends who have come to visit me in Menomonie lately! Holland, Amy, Molly, Rachel, Lexie, Trent, and the whole Weaver fam clan. ...Brach's jelly beans. It is an understatement to say that I am addicted. #allthejellybeans ...quiet moments to read Jane Eyre. ...TACOS. Especially this amazing black bean roasted vegetable recipe I found. ...Dr. B and how she inspires me to go on long & fast walks to get my body moving when its cold. ...warm blankets. Christmas lights. Inspiring design books. Antique stores. Learning to chose gratitude, daily. |
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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