In a world full of oddities, suddenly the familiar becomes overwhelmingly strange.
I found flowers that smell like the iced tea we got the night we bought current juice and watched the women make noodles. The smell of the flowers makes me cry and reminds me of last night when I said the bar smelled like our hotel elevator. I was embarrassed today when I couldn't cross the street and the cars had to wait because I forgot how it works here. It happened twice. I'm learning how to set boundaries and actually keep them; I think getting daily exercise and not reading blogs for an hour are two of those I want to keep. Who made cell phones into computers anyway? I walk alone on the sidewalks, the soles of my feet torn up by sheer stubbornness. My heart is unsure of whether I need to be with people or whether I need to be on my own. I thought ginger beer would have made a great dinner; it probably would have but I got gross blueberry juice instead. Either way, it was too soon for a grocery store. Today I seem to be entrapped by two lies: loneliness and boredom. I also seem to be entrapped by a deep love and a sense of worth. Today I have a desire to seek and to savor and in some ways, to just be. Did you know that they have bumblebees in China?
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To put it plainly, China. For about four weeks. So much has changed this month, within me and outside of me. I am still struggling to understand what The Lord has for me, for my future, for my relationships, for redeeming my past. I am still shaken by everything that's taken place this year. But I see a lot of beauty. I see good desires. I see love abounding. I see support. I see hope. I am starting to have a deeper understanding of enjoying, thankfulness, and presence. And I can say the name Jesus out loud again; that is the most beautiful thing. |
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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