This post was supposed to be written about 8 months ago. My brother got me a gift for Christmas – a bountiful check with the condition that I “do something I’ve always wanted to do and blog about it.” I chose pottery. I was so excited: I signed up for the class, roped my dear friend Alexi into it, and drove to the cities on my birthday with my painting flannel and paint pants on, ready to get down and dirty, slinging some clay. My teacher was exactly what you would expect, a long braid down the back of her neck, a simple t-shirt, and clay-stained jeans. She had grown up in the neighborhood, learning how to make pottery at this clay center for most of her life. I loved how beautiful this small community, admist a larger community was. The skill levels of everyone in my class varied greatly. There were first-timers, young and old; there were those who owned their own pottery wheel and were just here for the community. Alexi had some experience, but claimed to be a bit rusty. The teacher sat down at the wheel, her students forming a tight half-circle a safe distance from the wheel. She showed us how to center the clay, how to work it into shapes, and how to mess up. This is called a rainbow. It’s what we make when we mess up – it spreads the clay out so that it can dry again. You will mess up. Everybody is required to make at least one rainbow. Some people make 3 or 4 or even 6 rainbows. Did I hear her right? I am required to make a mistake? I’m not going to make a rainbow – I’m going to wow everyone. I thought stubbornly. To probably absolutely no one’s surprise, I messed up. I made a rainbow. In fact – I made 6 rainbows that day. I kept trying to think of how God was teaching me through these darn rainbows.
I tried to connect it to him being the potter, but never making mistakes. I tried to connect it to the rainbow and Noah and all that, but it didn’t really work. God doesn’t make clay rainbows, because he doesn’t screw up. But he does make real rainbows because he is God and he puts those things up in the sky. So about 8 months later, I finally made the connection. I am not only allowed to make rainbows, I am expected to create rainbows. I forget so often that I am human, that I am allowed to make mistakes, and that people actually expect it. I forget that I am allowed to fail and that I'm not perfect. I forget that I am learning. I have been learning to remember that I am allowed to make mistakes, that I am human, that perfection is not just hard, but impossible. I have been stuck so long in the lies of perfection that it's actually a lot harder to live in the truth of being allowed to mess up or not do everything right all of the time. I am not capable. I AM DETERMINED. That means I can keep working hard and trying, but I don't have to be perfect. That means I can hope, look forward, and live tenaciously as I was created to be. [Also, I really love doing pottery and I can't wait until I get to imperfectly sling clay again.]
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This weekend Sam & I, plus the IV & LEAD team communities. went to the Juedes wedding. Alexi was a complete gem and agreed to venture out into the junkyard to take pictures of us. We spent the morning watching two of the most beautiful people (but seriously) vow to be faithful to God and to one another. It was an incredible vision of this community. Sam's comments included: "What are we doing by this old truck?" & "OOO A VACUUM!" I think we have different values when it comes to aesthetics. I'm alright with that; he's a good sport. I swear I'm smiling. I think this was my "Will you please look at the camera this time?" plea. Thanks Alexi, we adore you!
Lately...
...been drinking about 32 ounces of coffee on a daily basis. ...don't remember the last time I've pooped thanks to high school placement in the morning. Seemingly contradictory to the above statement. ...less than 20 hours in my room in the last 72 hours, including sleeping. ...the funniest voicemail I've ever received in my lifetime. #thanksjenna ...an unexpected surge of desire for painting. ...high rise pants are my new favorite. ...pumpkin bagels are not. But they've been feeding me for the past 3 mornings. ...seeing Lily three times this week and that makes me really joyful. ...wedding fever. Frickin' stop getting engaged, people. You too, high schoolers. ...Jesus books. Trying so hard to read. ...Mr. Weaver car maintence lessons make me feel cared for. ...inadequately answering biblical questions, but the seeds are growing even when I'm sleeping. ...want more hugs. ...Virgil's Rootbeer and organic chocolate love. ...hi, can I talk to you way too much about China and wear everything I wore there this week? ...future fear. "The Father doesn't want us to fear." ...encouragement in the form of many letters and texts. My Jesus is good at loving me.
China is sending students with disabilities to separate schools.
Away from their families. Unable to re-enter the mainstream system. Low government funding and under-qualified teachers. The fourth grade boy is in a wheelchair, so they just put him in the back. Away from his classmates. Unable to participate in almost any part of the 50 minutes of kid church. Can't throw the balls, toot the horns, dance to the songs, or open the snake cans. There is so little I know, even less that I know how to do to help. I just see the injustices - the little ones, the big ones - each day and I don't want it anymore. ...so thankful for the past week of friend-making and joyous times of laughter, bonding, and being crazy.
I am so looking forward to what God has for us this year in Governors. This community is good; it is His. d because otherwise life just doesn't seem worth it.
Lately I am grateful for... ...spontaneous swims. ...rain when I am sleeping. ...a bed that doesn't squeak. ...the new Judah & the Lion album that comes out in 5 days. ...professors who understand. ...ummm, Dolphin Tale 2. Are ya kiddin' me?! The first one had me in tears, pumped for part two. ...the fact that I get to carpool to Bloomer every day for 2 months with a girl from my classes I don't know well. ...there is this documentary that I found just a few days before it stops streaming. And I am going to watch it. ...starting to understand the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. ...really super honest conversations with Ariel where we get to hold each others' frisbees for a bit. ...getting out of ES 380 early so I can get done what I need to get done. ...beautiful wildflowers from a man who really shows me grace, forgiveness, and love. ...partnerships with leaders in Governors. I am not in this alone. ...resurrected choral music. ...Colossians 2:6-7; Acts 17:28; John 16:33; Psalm 32:7; knowing He is always there. I am not okay.
Isaac showed me a video that he made of China today... and it made me laugh and remember. But it also did the very thing that has happened almost every day for the past few weeks. It broke my heart. I can hardly explain how much it hurts me to not be there. I know that my experience can't compare to many (more intense) experiences others have had. I only spent three weeks falling in love with the city, the street corners, the hanging animal carcasses. But it somehow changed me and I don't feel complete without it anymore. This all sounds so overdramatic and stereotypical "christianese" when I type it out like this. But honestly, like for real, I don't know how to handle this. How do I take a love like what I feel for China and cope with it here, where only a few people understand? How do I take the memories and emotions and become grateful instead of bitter? How do I discern if this burning inside of me is a calling or just normal human feelings? I feel so unsure. Unsure of how to proceed. Unsure of my own emotions. Unsure of what I actually miss. Was it the team? The city itself? The culture? The music? The beginnings of hope? The people I met? Can't I just go back? Back to the city, where everything wasn't so white and straight lines and sterile. Where there was color and music and dirt and honking and peeling paint and stories that haven't been told. Back in time, to grumpy music rehearsals and roommate conflicts and five days of sickness. Back to the people, the long dresses, colorful hats, chopstick bakers, and trilingual uno players. I just want to glorify God, in all that I do, here or there. I just haven't figured out how to do that yet, when my heart is stuck in another time & place. I need help Jesus, choosing to be present and to do the work that I am called to here. "You gotta get your boots on the ground." - Paul Hoff My Uncle Paul just has all the good ones. This quote is wonderful because I feel like it really describes my personal philosophy on traveling. I didn't really think I had a philosophy when it came to traveling, but this summer showed me otherwise. I had the privilege of traveling a lot this summer. I flew over 6,000 miles to China. I road tripped to about 10 different cities in the month of July. My sister and I drove 60 hours to Glacier in Montana (60 hours, I kid you not). So yeah, I traveled kind of a lot. Other than realizing that I will probably never move out of Wisconsin for the rest of my life, I also realized something about how I travel.
I don't want to see it all, I want to see all of it, wherever it is. I travel to become immersed in a new place, a new culture. I travel to live in the smells and sights and sounds of a place, not just to check it off my list and move on to the next place. One of my good friends has a list of all of the cities he wants to go to in Europe and the incredible thing is, he will probably see most of them. I think that is absolutely incredible, but it isn't how I desire to travel. I would much rather spend a few days (or weeks if I'm lucky) in one city in Italy than go to Rome, Milan, Florence, and Venice. I want to be there long enough for the man selling the bread on the corner to recognize me. I want to be there long enough for the fruit stand guy to know that when I gesture "two" I mean two bananas, not two kilos of bananas. I want to be there long enough that I just know which buses take me where. So I think Uncle Paul has a point. I don't want to road trip across America, because I'd just do it to say I road tripped across America. I'd rather take a month in part of a state and really get to know it, the ins and outs, the dirty underbelly, the cheapest place to buy coffee (it actually took me 3 years to learn this in EC...), and what it means when all of the children get dressed up on a Sunday morning. I need to get out of my car, away from the tour buses, off of the trains, and get my boots on the ground. |
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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