Today, I placed a banana chip on my tongue
and I tasted the mountains in China I tasted the hour-long bus ride and listening to Vespers and the honking horns when the sheep crowded the road I tasted sweet watermelon and the smell of pine and running down a mountain towards the safety of my brothers laughing at the panic of the coming rain and the deeper panic of my new love close to perceived danger Today, as I savored my banana chip I savored the memory of V's living room where I first learned how to say "how much" or "thank you" I savored the memory of eating naan pizza and hurriedly creating new batches for the group of hungry men coming over I savored the sweet image my God had given me Brothers and sisters, voices raised in their own language, singing and praising Him Today, I ate a banana chip and it was like eating summer's sunshine The 24-hour drive across the country to Montana Jam sessions and no sleep and the tiny town in North Dakota with $.50 coffee Meeting Hayden for the first time and listening to Harry Potter Eating a buffalo burger and climbing 1200 feet and scampering under a waterfall Today, I am thankful for banana chips for the memories and for the sweet crunchy taste I am thankful for my time in China I am thankful for my love I am thankful for summer sun I am thankful for mountains and for adventures I am thankful that sometimes the only reminder my soul needs of goodness is a banana chip
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China is sending students with disabilities to separate schools.
Away from their families. Unable to re-enter the mainstream system. Low government funding and under-qualified teachers. The fourth grade boy is in a wheelchair, so they just put him in the back. Away from his classmates. Unable to participate in almost any part of the 50 minutes of kid church. Can't throw the balls, toot the horns, dance to the songs, or open the snake cans. There is so little I know, even less that I know how to do to help. I just see the injustices - the little ones, the big ones - each day and I don't want it anymore. I am not okay.
Isaac showed me a video that he made of China today... and it made me laugh and remember. But it also did the very thing that has happened almost every day for the past few weeks. It broke my heart. I can hardly explain how much it hurts me to not be there. I know that my experience can't compare to many (more intense) experiences others have had. I only spent three weeks falling in love with the city, the street corners, the hanging animal carcasses. But it somehow changed me and I don't feel complete without it anymore. This all sounds so overdramatic and stereotypical "christianese" when I type it out like this. But honestly, like for real, I don't know how to handle this. How do I take a love like what I feel for China and cope with it here, where only a few people understand? How do I take the memories and emotions and become grateful instead of bitter? How do I discern if this burning inside of me is a calling or just normal human feelings? I feel so unsure. Unsure of how to proceed. Unsure of my own emotions. Unsure of what I actually miss. Was it the team? The city itself? The culture? The music? The beginnings of hope? The people I met? Can't I just go back? Back to the city, where everything wasn't so white and straight lines and sterile. Where there was color and music and dirt and honking and peeling paint and stories that haven't been told. Back in time, to grumpy music rehearsals and roommate conflicts and five days of sickness. Back to the people, the long dresses, colorful hats, chopstick bakers, and trilingual uno players. I just want to glorify God, in all that I do, here or there. I just haven't figured out how to do that yet, when my heart is stuck in another time & place. I need help Jesus, choosing to be present and to do the work that I am called to here. Said Adam as he stopped to smell a flower while walking in Beijing.
I found these things to be important ...hospitality ...trees, even in the streets ...fitting a lot of people on the bus ...tea at every meal ...knowing how to use chopsticks ...physical touch with the same gender ...exercise ...hard beds ...Americans But these things were less important ...toilet paper ...toilets ...flushing toilets ...the difference between 1 banana and 1 kilo of bananas ...physical touch with the opposite gender ...air conditioning ...shower doors ..."healthy" foods ...ice cubes ...starting events "on time" I stepped closer to the paining and immediately I lost the picture. All I saw were specks of paint and large brush strokes. My eye caught a blue streak amongst the green. "It doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit in to the larger picture. It's surrounded by green and it's confusing that it is here." "It is a part of a larger picture. It does have a purpose, even surrounded by all green. Back up and see the whole thing. I have you where I want you, be content in that, but be focused on me not on the loneliness of your blue streak. I have a good plan for your future, rest and peace, green and solitude, like this picture. But until then, be content with where I have you and how I will use you." Because on June 5th, God spoke to me through a painting in an art exhibit. [I've started to process China more intentionally lately. There will be a few posts about it. Unfortunately, there is only so much I can say. I would really appreciate talking about it more at length if you are interested.]
In a world full of oddities, suddenly the familiar becomes overwhelmingly strange.
I found flowers that smell like the iced tea we got the night we bought current juice and watched the women make noodles. The smell of the flowers makes me cry and reminds me of last night when I said the bar smelled like our hotel elevator. I was embarrassed today when I couldn't cross the street and the cars had to wait because I forgot how it works here. It happened twice. I'm learning how to set boundaries and actually keep them; I think getting daily exercise and not reading blogs for an hour are two of those I want to keep. Who made cell phones into computers anyway? I walk alone on the sidewalks, the soles of my feet torn up by sheer stubbornness. My heart is unsure of whether I need to be with people or whether I need to be on my own. I thought ginger beer would have made a great dinner; it probably would have but I got gross blueberry juice instead. Either way, it was too soon for a grocery store. Today I seem to be entrapped by two lies: loneliness and boredom. I also seem to be entrapped by a deep love and a sense of worth. Today I have a desire to seek and to savor and in some ways, to just be. Did you know that they have bumblebees in China? To put it plainly, China. For about four weeks. So much has changed this month, within me and outside of me. I am still struggling to understand what The Lord has for me, for my future, for my relationships, for redeeming my past. I am still shaken by everything that's taken place this year. But I see a lot of beauty. I see good desires. I see love abounding. I see support. I see hope. I am starting to have a deeper understanding of enjoying, thankfulness, and presence. And I can say the name Jesus out loud again; that is the most beautiful thing. |
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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