The SeasonAs the first half(ish) of the school year is wrapping up, my mind turns backwards in reflection of all that has been. Truthfully, if you've talked to me in the last few months, you'll know that this season of my life has not been easy. In this season, I've struggled greatly with my new job. There have been conflicts, and gads of "learning moments" and more mistakes made then I think I've ever known I could be capable of making. There have been staffing issues and more work than typical first year sped teachers are given to bear. This new teaching position has also meant significantly less time at home, less time running the household, less time caring for & loving my husband. It has meant that there are parts of myself that I feel that I have lost and I have been continually mourning. And to add to all of that, there is the guilt that I know that I am not living as I should. Seeing my friends making marriage vows to one another or get engaged is a constant reminder of how I am falling short within my own marriage. I haven't done anything awful, I just have been absent: physically, mentally. Sam has been so gracious with me, but I fail to carry a lot of that grace over to myself. Things are getting better, both in the situational sense & just in how I am choosing to deal with my circumstances. I don't just say that to give a happy ending to this post, because this has been a very hard fall; I say that because I am finally through the storm far enough to take a breath and reflect. The BeautyTo get to the point of this post... there have been some really beautiful things these past 4 months. Here they are...
...walking to work most mornings before it got #wintersolstice dark. ...working out on Monday & Thursday evenings and literally seeing my muscles get bigger! ...eating steel cut oats & drinking black coffee each & every morning. ...my almost-daily routine of yoga & meditation. ...hosting ALLL of the parties in our home. It's been one a month so far and each one has been such a joy. ...rereading the twilight series was one of the highlights of September/October. ...quiet evenings at home watching Netflix shows that make me cry while Sam works night shifts. ...going to eat Sam's french fries when he works night shifts. ...trainings/conferences for work where I feel like I am a sponge soaking up relevant information. (#notcollege) ...my terrific co-workers who bring power saws to work for me, buy me combos, and dress up on twin day with me. ...having Sam doing the cooking & grocery shopping and sharing some of the "emotional labor" of the household. ...homemade lattes, eggnog, and hot chocolate. ...seeing family often & friends more than I could have ever hoped with all of these weddings!
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I ran across this photo this morning and really felt inspired to write about this period of my life.
This photo was taken in a kind of "awakening" period of my college life. That winter had marked the most difficult bout of anxiety I've ever experienced and the spring brought an unexpected breakup coinciding with the three-year anniversary of my dad's death. Needless to say, I was not in a great place. But I had fantastic friends who listened to what I was going through, or took me to the movie that boyfriend had promised to take me to, or just sat with me and painted and gave me strawberry ice cream. I joined a faux-rock band including five college men from my school, (and no women). Despite, or perhaps because of, the difficult winter, I had decided to join the group traveling across the world to perform in a makeshift band at an music and arts school. The men in the band and the music we created, alongside the melting snow and warmer sun, began to shift me into a better place. And soon, I began falling for one of those music-playing men. (If you consult my former journals, I suppose re-falling might be a more appropriate term.) At first, I was earnestly just pursuing the friendship of someone I trusted and knew I'd soon be jetting off to China with. When anything other than fear, doubt, or false guilt was speaking, I was really, really crazy for this guy. He was stable, a listener, cared enough to know me, and (as I eagerly told my mother) a feminist! The photo above was the first photo we took together. I was insanely nervous (note my awkward hands), but also giddy with joy. We had spent the afternoon rehearsing with our faux-rock band, preparing for an annual banquet that evening. After rehearsal, I stepped into the bathroom to change. When I came out, he was standing at the end of the hallway, hands on his face mouthing "wow." I got to watch him perform and got to stand alongside him and sing. At the end of the evening, I tracked him down while he was doing dishes to try and get a photo together. That night felt like a serious step forward and is one of my most precious memories with my now husband of two years. ...I am in one of those poopy-no-good moods today. And I need to SNAP out of it. So I'm thankful for... ...a husband who is currently doing the dishes & packing my lunch so that I can do this. ...possibly having some time off next week because of an unexpected new student teacher coming. ...the kind-hearted, thoughtful, and oh-so-positive teacher I'll be taking over for in March. ...the twice-a-week yoga class that is less than a block away and only costs $70 for 17 sessions. (For those of you who aren't yogis, classes are typically $10-$15 each, so $4/class is a STEAL!) ...the incredible professors in the UWEC SPED program and all I've gained from them. Also, the pizza & brownies they brought us tonight. ...the man who created hundreds of math teaching videos that I watch on the daily. #nerrrrd ...dear friends who come to visit us at our home! Habibi, Molly, Andrew: Here's to you! ...phone calls from Holland! ...the snow delay we had last week.... ...and breakfast in bed from dear Sam. What are you thankful for?
,I am so thankful for my community and how it blesses me. This week, Sam is gone on a spiritual formation retreat (which I am stoked that he gets to go to - it sounds amazing) and it is our first time being apart since we got married over three months ago. My nerves increased as his absence grew nearer, but I have been surprised by how God & his people have been blessing me. I love my community because... ...Lexie will almost always text me to follow up when I am dealing with something difficult. ...Holland brought me a dozen organic eggs just because. ONE DOZEN! ...Jordan & Holland came and spent an evening with me so I wouldn't be alone. They even did the dishes for me after we were done eating. ...Holland stayed the night even after I mentioned my school's lice outbreak. (I don't have lice, Holland, I PROMISE!) Then, she made my bed in the morning. What a gal. ...Alexi made me these two beautiful CDs that I haven't fully listened to, but the second song starts out with just melodic piano and it makes my soul melt. Also, she wrote "I love you, Becca" on the outside, and that was just about the most wonderful thing to read today. ...SJ's most kind (and gorgeous) sister (who I currently cannot remember the name of) sold me some delicious bread at Great Harvest today and she said I was going to be a fantastic teacher. ...Anna, my pastor's wife, texted me just to check in and see how I was doing with Sam gone. ...Jordan listened to me gab about nothing on the phone while she stood outside in the freezing rain just because she knew I was lonely. ...Holland gave me a free hot chocolate at TCG & told me to cozy up. One thing I'm really coming to love about my community is that it keeps. on. growing. And not only that, but I continue to learn from my growing community. Daily, I am being reassured, that I am not the only one who struggles to be alone and desires community. We were made this way. And that is something to be grateful for. So much love for these beautiful people.
Photocredit: Anna Mateffy Photocredit: Anna Mateffy I am so grateful for my husband and who he is. I am thankful to be Mrs. Weaver because...
...I have a man who wakes up each morning, makes our bed and makes us oatmeal for breakfast before sending me off to school. ...my husband chooses to trust in the Lord and asks me to do the same. ...I am held when I cry late in the night from fear. ...there is someone who lives in my apartment who can make sentences sound more good. ...my Mr. is as handsome as they come. ...I am encouraged and believe that I am talented and skilled. ...each day is a new opportunity to hear "I would eat the crap out of that." & "This is delicious." ...my music tastes (and choices!) are slowly growing. #chetatkins #justintownesearl ...I have a faithful blog-reader! ...my teammate and I can chose people, enjoyment, and worship over money. ...I sometimes get to drive back and forth from campus three times to help set up an NSO event and that makes me feel like I am important and helpful. ...there is a spider-man lunch box sitting on my counter and I don't even have a 5-year-old. ...we know that mornings are best spent slowly, mid-mornings should include snacks, and eggs count as a meal 24/7. Especially if there are spices in them, which there should always be. ...our closet is stocked with 6+ instruments and there is one more coming in the mail. ...I get to sleep like an otter every night and now I'm never afraid of drifting away. I am grateful for... ...a boyfriend who understands that sometimes I just need to do things to rest ...SPACESHIP! ...several trips to the Christmas miracle and my vibrato-singing companion, Jenna Highlights include: holding up a wall with Justin and being able to finally talk about what's on my mind, seeing Lexie & eating popcorn with Trenten, LEAD team Christmas party, a five-hour work shift where I didn't do much else than knit & read, TCG with Molly & Jesus time, building a lego spaceship with Sam, going on a run in the woods, a heartfelt talk with Ashley, celebration with Jenna, puzzle time at the Weaver's, a holiday concert with be-a-utiful singers and violinists, and watching Pride and Prejudice with Christmas lights on.
"A home is a place where you can go and rest, where you feel safe and comfortable and everything is familiar and you know everyone and you are known. We don't have a true home here on earth, but we have resting places..." I am grateful for this resting place.
Genuine laughter. Tickling. Group hugs. Homemade dairy-free ice cream atop apple crisp. Clucking at Packer's games. A warm fireplace. Dog kisses. "We really like you." Sunsets out the back window. Pour over coffee. "We are glad that you came." Chocolate almond milk. Full gas tanks. Kitchen conversations. A puzzle on the coffee table. Love. Acceptance. Home. I want to look back and not remember the stress, the papers, the applications, the portfolios, the lack of sleep.
I want to remember my sister visiting and the joy, laughter, and tears she brings. I want to remember painting dates at acoustic and Sunday night hoagies. Also, jamming in the car to Simon and Garfunkel. I want to remember ethnic fabric and those two dolls. I want to remember waking up to beautiful sunrises and snippets of God's paintings. I want to remember the joy on Alley's face as she saw us there and when she got to eat that ice cream cone. I want to remember that I had joy and peace and knew of love and care. My heart is filled right up this morning with thankfulness. I am grateful for...
...laughing with Isaac about China blunders and shouting names of foods in Chinese at each other instead of saying good bye. ...fifteen minute breaks that allow me to finish my paper. ...Adam coming up to the desk this morning and handing me a thermos of coffee, saying "Happy Coffee Day!" ...Samuel. Because he blesses me daily, whether I have the privilege to see him or not. ...Molly Bray and our inability to go to bed because we just want to see each other. ...G-2 pens because how could you not be grateful for those inky things! ...bump, Set, Speich telling me she wrote a poem about me. Like literally, what? These friends. ...the courage to write the letter I really needed to write. ...my drive to Bloomer that will be solo this morning; I am craving solitude. ...the sky. Pretty much always the sky. ...hearty 6-year-old giggles. I don't think I've fully expressed...
...how much my heart yearns to travel. ...what the sight of white christmas lights does to me. ...how grateful I am for the man who gives me food, rubs my back, and makes me laugh so hard I'm pretty sure I might spit out my apple cider. ...how full Alexi Speich can make my heart. ...the joy of memories associated with the smell of fall leaves and the taste of apples. ...how sweaty my armpits get when I'm really nervous. ...the simultaneous fullness and brokenness that comes when being around families. ...how proud I am of my sister for striving towards health. ...the joy that bubbles up inside when I look at his dark skin, small squinty eyes, and toothless smile. ...how hard and beautiful it is to be moving into this new stage of life. ...the freedom I feel when dancing to "Shake It Off." ...my gratitude for those who chose to keep loving me. Today is important. It is the 23rd birthday of my friend, teammate, and encourager, Samuel. He really doesn't like pictures of himself, so instead, I posted pictures of 12 of his favorite musicians. The sad (great?) thing is, I could think of almost all of these off the top of my head. I couldn't be more grateful to have Sam in my life.
He is patient with me, he reminds me of truth, he prays over me, and he listens so well. He also swing dances, buys me food when I'm broke, and puts up with nature and photographs for me. Because of Sam, I'm learning to ask better questions, I'm learning to not give up when it gets hard, and I'm learning how to let myself sit and just be. Thank you, Father, for creating this man and allowing me to know him. because otherwise life just doesn't seem worth it.
Lately I am grateful for... ...spontaneous swims. ...rain when I am sleeping. ...a bed that doesn't squeak. ...the new Judah & the Lion album that comes out in 5 days. ...professors who understand. ...ummm, Dolphin Tale 2. Are ya kiddin' me?! The first one had me in tears, pumped for part two. ...the fact that I get to carpool to Bloomer every day for 2 months with a girl from my classes I don't know well. ...there is this documentary that I found just a few days before it stops streaming. And I am going to watch it. ...starting to understand the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. ...really super honest conversations with Ariel where we get to hold each others' frisbees for a bit. ...getting out of ES 380 early so I can get done what I need to get done. ...beautiful wildflowers from a man who really shows me grace, forgiveness, and love. ...partnerships with leaders in Governors. I am not in this alone. ...resurrected choral music. ...Colossians 2:6-7; Acts 17:28; John 16:33; Psalm 32:7; knowing He is always there. Today...
... Anna woke me up by rubbing my back and cooking us steel cut oats. ...I had long, confusing conversations about witnessing. ...my rollerblades went up and down the same street a dozen times. ...pie from Norske nook though... ...I petted a kitty. ...Grandma told me the story of her and my Grandfather's courtship. ...the delicious taste of Sierra turkey from Panera filled my mouth. ...I read letters from a man I really like. ...InterVarsity staff let me into their Monday night dinner which made me laugh a lot a lot. ...Cameron's stories made me die from laugher. And his lactose farts. ...dark chocolate covered strawberries. ...I remembered I am provided for in BIG ways. ...Anna and I exchanged lavender oil back massages while watching friends. I LOVE THIS PLACE. This summer is the first time I've been unemployed since I was 14. I'm tempted to feel lazy or unproductive or to feel that this summer is going to be wasted. But there have been a lot of ways that I have been blessed with little to do this summer. I want to remember the little things, the ways I've enjoyed God in this time.
I want to remember... ...wearing skirts and dresses every day. ...going on hour-long morning walks with my dog. ...the sight of my journal and bible on my futon bringing me joy as I remember the time I will have there the next morning. ...making the swaggon mine, aka putting an EC sticker and a pine ridge necklace on the mirror. ...doing lay ups in my driveway. ...exploring the hippie ways of essential oils, no poo, and various kinds of nut oil on my skin. ...waking up before 8am every day. ...the way there always seem to be cherry tomatoes by my fridge to snack on. ...enjoying a LOT of sunshine, with 50 SPF sunscreen of course. ...sitting on the floating picnic table and enjoying the company of others my age. ...organizing and purging all of my stuff. ...the really good conversation with my Aunt Mary about the pebble I brought back from China. ...Brioche french toast and conversations about ministry at SAP. ...people who keep buying me lunch (Jillian) and dinner (Michelle) or just feed me in general. ...the crazy amounts of berries and peaches I've eaten. ...skype, facetime, and phone conversations catching up with so many of my friends. I am grateful for you, my friend. Because of you...
...I wear a helmet every time I bike. ...dogs and old people are kind of exciting and if I see an old person walking a dog, it makes my day. ...I am learning that question asking is something I need to get better at. ...sometimes I go in my driveway and try to do lay-ups. ...ferris wheels make me giddy. ...I get angry at the man. ...I'm learning that my words have power and I can't just say whatever I want, because you will ask about it. ...reading is something I occasionally do for rest. ...I know it's okay to just sit and do nothing at times. ...waiting for the mailman to come is an actual activity, like I'm 5 again. ...my love for the Beatles has been slightly reincarnated. ...hippie points are a thing, even if they are performative. ...sometimes I blog even when I don't really feel like it just because I know you will be reading. (So thanks for reading. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I am grateful for you.) God, I thank you for giving me dear friends who simultaneously spur me on to be more like I am created and manage to get me outside of my comfort zone and try new things or rediscover things I once loved. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I am loved and accepted just as I am. Thank you for reminding me that I was not created to be alone and for placing people along my path and in my life to love me. Help me to love them as you do and to care for them as you do; help me to place them into your hands, for I am imperfect at loving them and caring for them, and insufficient at being all that they need. In a world full of oddities, suddenly the familiar becomes overwhelmingly strange.
I found flowers that smell like the iced tea we got the night we bought current juice and watched the women make noodles. The smell of the flowers makes me cry and reminds me of last night when I said the bar smelled like our hotel elevator. I was embarrassed today when I couldn't cross the street and the cars had to wait because I forgot how it works here. It happened twice. I'm learning how to set boundaries and actually keep them; I think getting daily exercise and not reading blogs for an hour are two of those I want to keep. Who made cell phones into computers anyway? I walk alone on the sidewalks, the soles of my feet torn up by sheer stubbornness. My heart is unsure of whether I need to be with people or whether I need to be on my own. I thought ginger beer would have made a great dinner; it probably would have but I got gross blueberry juice instead. Either way, it was too soon for a grocery store. Today I seem to be entrapped by two lies: loneliness and boredom. I also seem to be entrapped by a deep love and a sense of worth. Today I have a desire to seek and to savor and in some ways, to just be. Did you know that they have bumblebees in China? Ways I've enjoyed God lately... ...afternoon naps to the Sounds of Silence on Vinyl ...prayerful/tearful times with my mom about what's ahead ...getting loads of sleep ...radio silence, even when its not my favorite thing ...being totally and completely blessed in travel preparations, especially financially ...Jenna calling me on the phone and chatting with me ...the pink clouds at dinner ...chipotle blackened chicken wraps paired perfectly with I.P.A. ...finding olive green soft pants that make my legs feel like they're wearing clouds "Enjoy Me." Just these two words He spoke changed my life.
What a burden I thought I was to carry - a crucifix, as did He. Love once said to me, "I know a song, Would you like to hear it?" And laughter came from every brick in the street. And from every pore in the sky. After a night of prayer, He changed my life when He sang, "Enjoy Me." [St. Teresa of Avila] Today, I want to give up. But instead, I am going to be thankful because otherwise Paul will hit me over the head with another reminder to be thankful tomorrow and I will once again say "OH DUH SORRY PAUL / I'M ALSO REALLY SORRY JESUS BECAUSE PAUL WAS JUST WORKIN FOR YOU LETS BE REAL." Tonight I am thankful for...
My Habibi. Awkward moments in the Philips garden. Evening drinks in the cabin followed by windy walks in the warm sun. Dogs in night class! The fact that I was able to cry, Becca cry, for the first time in a month. Holland saying she was glad that she caught me and insisting in hugging me. Michelle hugs. My Habibi's hand and loving touches. Singing hallelujah. Hearing God tell me that he loves me and accepts me no matter what. The image of Molly and Jordan surrounding me with love coming true. Knowing that I had a Sam hug waiting for me at the end of the row. Friends who are excited that I finally cried. That awkward forearm time with Coral. (But really just the way I don't get why I'm loved by her... Yet I like I anyway.) Adam asking if I am okay. Maddie Vetsch loving on me. Boldness and real conversations. Knowing that I am good at reading people, even when it's hard. Alexi texting me "I LOVE YOU BECCA ZIMMERMAN" and hearing it from Gods voice. Knowing that at the end of the day when my strength is gone and I'm sitting in the stairwell about to lose it, I can cry out to a God who knows me, gets it, loves me, and can actually bring about peace. "If you are overwhelemed by anything, love is a good thing to be overwhelmed by." - Molly Bray I am learning that I don't know what it looks like to have brothers.
I think for a long time, I was afraid of doing it wrong, so instead I just didn't do it at all. Or I just kept a really really safe distance and only let them see a projected image of myself. Lately, God has been surrounding me with the love of my brothers. I haven't been receiving it well. In fact, it has mostly just confused me. I have a brother who gives me high fives every time I see him. I have a brother who walks me and Anna safely to the doors of our dorms. I have a brother who tells me that he appreciates my blog and my honesty. I have a brother who spends over three hours just sitting at the front desk with me... not necessarily talking or interacting the whole time, sometimes just being there. I have a brother who wants me to paint him a watercolor bookmark. I have a brother who wants to go climbing with me sometime. I have a brother who is willing to get up before 7 am just to chat with me before church. I have a brother who steps down when he senses I may be uncomfortable. I have a brother who teaches me how to beatbox and tells me I'm good at shaking eggs and harmonizing. I have a brother who will be sincerely honest with me in talking about relationships and not-fun truths. It's overwhelming just seeing this list of how I have been loved by God through my brothers this past week. Some of them I've received better than others, especially when I am the one who initiates or asks for the love in some way, it's easier to accept. But when it just comes out of nowhere, I ask "What the heck? What is this? What do you want from me?" Oh God, I want you to change how I view your children, especially your sons. You have blessed me with some incredible men in my life and I want to count them as blessings instead of putting up walls and avoiding or questioning their care for me. Help me to show them care as well, but mostly God, I pray that you would teach me to honor and respect them and rejoice in who you are making them to be. Today was just one of those days. Tuesdays seem to be.
These are some of the beautiful moments of today... ...recognizing that the swimmer beside me was Jewish and getting to delight my best friend with that news. ...truthful, faithful conversations over kick boards and chlorine. ...really slow mornings. ...coffee and bran muffins - the ultimate digestive test. ...longboarding in the sunshine. ...getting to say that yeah, I'm doing alright. So thankful for that. ...unexpected productivity. ...a wit comm of intimate intercession in the sunshine ...seeing Alexi RIGHT after I was thinking about how much she would be enjoying this sunny day. ...eating a delicious lunch around those I love. I get to do that almost every day. Isn't that a miracle? ...sitting in the secret place with Molly. Sharing my heart. Hearing hers. Knowing how much that means. ...ice cream with Jenna and Adam asking us in his truck why we didn't get him any. ...the laughter Jenna and I shared and the realization that we are both spontaneous. Followed by a spontaneous trip to Just Local to grab some ginger beers and get hit on for being a ginger. ...connecting with one of the most friendly and caring freshman I've met. ...honey mustard on my pretzels. ...Anna randomly showing up in my room to study. That girl cracks me up so much. ...a failed attempt at adventure with Jordan. I need to work on my fence - hopping skills. ...praying over Jordan and listening to her heart. #cryingsweatshirt ...shared black licorice with my roommate. ...late night phone calls under christmas lights with Jenna. ...songs that just get it right. Today is one of those days I just want to be thankful for all of the ways God has been loving me.
I am grateful for... ...Alexi randomly texting me and telling me she loves me. ...talking to my mom on the phone while biking, it was a strange experience and a good one. ...the outfit I am wearing right now. Nothing better than IV freest tees, cords, and denim shirts. ...the taste of sandwiches. ...the brief sunshine before my 2:00 class. ...all of the music that has been a part of my life as of late. ...awkward moment number 72. ...seeing Molly and Andrew just because those two make me smile quite a lot. ...FINALLY seeing Jenna! Oh my word I like that girl. Don't leave me again. ...Holland coming up and giving me a hug and asking if I was okay. Sometimes, that's all I need. ...lanky IV men. ...conversations about lanky IV men. ...only three sleeps until I get to see Sam Ham! Holla! ...the fact that I get to see Amy Fred this weekend. ...my habibi and her listening ears and caring heart. ...a God who meets me in my brokenness, even when I have an ugly heart, anger, and a lack of trust. ...Justin Weber's longboard. ...catharsis. Three years ago Tuesday, my dad passed away. That is actually what began me blogging in April 2011; I needed an outlet to remember and express and show others a glimpse of who I am, vulnerably. One of my mentors suggested I create a legacy for my father, recognizing how he is living on within me. As my mother stated, this is a living document, one that can be added to as time goes on and I come to a more full realization of the ways I was blessed to be the daughter and youngest child of Robert Zimmerman. This is one of my favorite photos of him. It brings me joy to see him interacting with his only son, teaching him (probably very particularly) how to paint. Of course, he is rocking the flannel and someone stuck my brother in a T-shirt that is larger than his body and it makes me smile. The Legacy of My Father
...He taught me that college isn't all about getting a major and getting out. He wanted me to travel, learn new and interesting things, and have experiences that help me to better understand others. ...He taught me to work hard, mulching gardens, cleaning windows inside and out, planting trees and gardens. ...He taught me how to rest and the importance of having slow mornings. ...He taught me sacrifice, spending weekends caring for his parents and waking up early on Sundays to spend time with my mom before any of us were awake. He was NOT a morning person. ...He taught me how to laugh heartily and wholly and that almost any situation calls for humor. Even funerals. ...He taught me respect, especially for the elderly, people with disabilities and their families, and the military. ...My dad gave me his stubbornness, which can be both a gift and a curse. ...He passed on his love of cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. ...I will take my family on fall hikes and on adventurous vacations because of my father. ...He taught me that Sundays are days for family. ...He instilled in me a love of biking, camping, and seeking mountains. ...My dad taught me about photography and gave me my first 55mm, but the greatest gift he gave me in this was his encouragement that I could and should pursue this art. ...He gave me his love of doing projects, though he always did them with much more patience than I have. ...He taught me to wear clothes until they had holes in them... and then to keep wearing them. ...He taught me to dress up and look nice as a way to celebrate and bing others joy, not as a way to draw attention to myself. Though he did tell me I looked beautiful every time I dressed up and sometimes even when I didn't. ...My dad gave me a love of flannel. He is wearing a flannel shirt in probably 80% of the photos I have of him. ...He taught me that after 7:00pm, you should always have curly hair. (Only my sister will understand this) ...He taught me the power of giving up personal desires for the benefit of those he loved, such as quitting smoking for good when I was four years old. ...Although it took until I was about 16, my dad showed me that it is good for men to cry. ...My dad taught me that sometimes forgiveness comes in it's best form just resting in the other's arms. Today I am grateful for...
...early morning swims when the water's not too cold and a suit that fits. ...sitting in the caf watching the school buses drive on water street and thinking that I could probably see them every Tuesday morning if I ate at the same time. I desire routine. ...the darn public bus system. It is so quick and simple; how did I not know this until now? ...LEXIE - that girl is amazing! She makes really good chicken salads and tries the weird food combinations I suggest and she is real with me and doesn't try to perform and then she sits and listens and puts the pieces together. #itsnotaboutperforming ...the fact that I was excited to see Justin today. #reconciliationinthemaking ...jungle speed. especially the foot version. ...pumpkin chocolate chip muffins from home. ...Tuesday afternoon wit comm: it is one of my favorite hours of the entire week. ...seeing Oliver in Davies because she has big blue eyes and a great laugh. ...Molly freakin' Bray! That girl makes me feel oh-so-loved with mousey and speaking TRUTH that I am not a burden and that our friendship is not based on what I do or do not do. She also reminded me of that Misty Edwards sermon that was so good and told me that I just need to let Jesus into my mess so we can have a meal and then figure it all out together. #notalone ...hashtags. #allthehashtags ...Casie because every time I see her I have to think "KC" to remember how to say her name. And because she is a piece of sunshine on a cloudy day and she reminds me of homegrown tomatoes. ...Jenna Stromberger being real and open and letting me in. But mostly for that time when she yelled at me to stop pulling myself to the bottom of the freaking ocean and asked me why I want to be there so badly. ...bread pudding. Enough said. ...a boyfriend who doesn't eat caf jumbalaya because he doesn't think it could touch my dad's recipe. ...Alexi's affirmation hearts that I still get to come home to every night. LOVE LANGUAGEEEE! ...my first worry time with Jesus tonight, I'm really excited for that. I am grateful for...
...soft lights and worship nights. ...laughing with Coral in the caf. ...three beautiful friends who take an hour out of their nights to address support letters with me. ...chocolate, especially from Holland or in the form of cake. ...Molly. She just loves me really well and reaches out and gives me what I need. She comes to my room for no reason at all, listens to me talk about what's hurting me, and wakes up at crazy hours just to come see me. ...rap music and the truth that it brings. ...Psalms. ...being done with my MCEA application and the fact that we have writing centers and people who just sit around helping my writing sound less like incoherent babble. ...phone conversations with my brother and hope for future sibling trips. ...my spontaneous friends throwing a wrench in my mundane Wednesdays. ...Alexi, who texts me encouragement because she knows how hard my Wednesdays are. ...the word hope, because I need to hear it all of the time. ...turtle necklaces and elephant sweatshirts. ...drawings that only God gets to see. ...those nights when Luke John prays peace and rest over me before I sleep. ...dreams about salt and sand and reminders that God created us all for a purpose, none better |
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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