Sometimes anxiety builds in my chest as I sit on the third floor of Centennial and I know that it is my body telling me to move. To get out, like actually get outside and move as I was created to move.
Sometimes I lace up my righteously hot pink running shoes and Jesus tells me "no music today, you will need the silence." Sometimes 3 random songs from ex-boyfriends play over and over in my head when I'm running and I switch between thinking "I can't be thinking about ex-boyfriends, I'm engaged! Am I even allowed to have ex-boyfriends?" and "Jesus, can you remind me again why my ipod isn't currently in my pocket?" Sometimes as my feet pound downhill and my knees scream and I'm finally forced to stop I hear him say: Be. Sometimes as I come to that infamous field where I've layed with the sun on my face and country music in my ears, I look to the left and I look to the right. I decide to go left. Sometimes I see the giant horizontal tree that I climbed last spring when Jesus breathed life into my soul again. I am constant. Sometimes, I wander through the woods, no longer wondering why I wasn't allowed to bring my ipod because His voice is speaking so clearly over and over into my ears. Sometimes I hear the trees that have only half fallen creaking in the wind and I think of my own soul creaking. Do not despair. Sometimes I walk deeper in the woods, no longer leading, but being led. Sometimes I am reminded that my soul is at stake. And the reality hits me like a semi truck. Sometimes, as I weave through the trees, remembering, these words run like a stream. Be. I am constant. Do not despair.
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Yesterday, I was a bit of a bridezilla.
Not in the "wear that $500 dress or I'll kill you" way, but in the "nothing-is-going-right-my-life-is-ending" way. So I called my sister. (Because your sister is the person you go to when you need wisdom... and when you're pretty sure you probably don't have any friends, because it's just one of those days that you believe that.) "We don't have a venue." "You'll get it figured out, what else is going on?" "School is hard." "Who can you work on it with? Who can support you?" "Mostly I just feel like I'm in a funk and I'm not happy or giddy and I don't want a wedding, I just want to be married and not put up with any of this lacy madness." It's true. I am in a funk. I'm ready to be married, but I'm not ready to go through the "weee you're going to have a wedding!" squeals and excitement of bridesmaid dresses and deciding what my decorations will be. I'm still a little like, "Wait, what? I'm getting married? ME? But wives have, like, skills... and sanity." Ahem. Lie. (I mean I'm sure some do.) I do not have to have everything figured out for Sam to marry me. And it's okay for me to not be okay right now, in this season. School is crazy stressful, I'm studying abroad in two months, my family is going through changes, I'm moving to a different city, I'm planning a wedding, and I'm about to join my messy life with another human's mess. That is hard. It is okay for it to be hard. Someday I will be the blushing, gleeful, pee-my-pants-excited bride, but I'm not right now. I am going to allow myself to be in the season I am in and not feel guilty for how I am feeling. |
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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