I am not okay.
Isaac showed me a video that he made of China today... and it made me laugh and remember. But it also did the very thing that has happened almost every day for the past few weeks. It broke my heart. I can hardly explain how much it hurts me to not be there. I know that my experience can't compare to many (more intense) experiences others have had. I only spent three weeks falling in love with the city, the street corners, the hanging animal carcasses. But it somehow changed me and I don't feel complete without it anymore. This all sounds so overdramatic and stereotypical "christianese" when I type it out like this. But honestly, like for real, I don't know how to handle this. How do I take a love like what I feel for China and cope with it here, where only a few people understand? How do I take the memories and emotions and become grateful instead of bitter? How do I discern if this burning inside of me is a calling or just normal human feelings? I feel so unsure. Unsure of how to proceed. Unsure of my own emotions. Unsure of what I actually miss. Was it the team? The city itself? The culture? The music? The beginnings of hope? The people I met? Can't I just go back? Back to the city, where everything wasn't so white and straight lines and sterile. Where there was color and music and dirt and honking and peeling paint and stories that haven't been told. Back in time, to grumpy music rehearsals and roommate conflicts and five days of sickness. Back to the people, the long dresses, colorful hats, chopstick bakers, and trilingual uno players. I just want to glorify God, in all that I do, here or there. I just haven't figured out how to do that yet, when my heart is stuck in another time & place. I need help Jesus, choosing to be present and to do the work that I am called to here.
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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