I am learning that I don't know what it looks like to have brothers.
I think for a long time, I was afraid of doing it wrong, so instead I just didn't do it at all. Or I just kept a really really safe distance and only let them see a projected image of myself. Lately, God has been surrounding me with the love of my brothers. I haven't been receiving it well. In fact, it has mostly just confused me. I have a brother who gives me high fives every time I see him. I have a brother who walks me and Anna safely to the doors of our dorms. I have a brother who tells me that he appreciates my blog and my honesty. I have a brother who spends over three hours just sitting at the front desk with me... not necessarily talking or interacting the whole time, sometimes just being there. I have a brother who wants me to paint him a watercolor bookmark. I have a brother who wants to go climbing with me sometime. I have a brother who is willing to get up before 7 am just to chat with me before church. I have a brother who steps down when he senses I may be uncomfortable. I have a brother who teaches me how to beatbox and tells me I'm good at shaking eggs and harmonizing. I have a brother who will be sincerely honest with me in talking about relationships and not-fun truths. It's overwhelming just seeing this list of how I have been loved by God through my brothers this past week. Some of them I've received better than others, especially when I am the one who initiates or asks for the love in some way, it's easier to accept. But when it just comes out of nowhere, I ask "What the heck? What is this? What do you want from me?" Oh God, I want you to change how I view your children, especially your sons. You have blessed me with some incredible men in my life and I want to count them as blessings instead of putting up walls and avoiding or questioning their care for me. Help me to show them care as well, but mostly God, I pray that you would teach me to honor and respect them and rejoice in who you are making them to be.
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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