I haven't really known what to do with my community lately. I can tell that I am pushing away. I don't feel so bad about canceling on a friend or missing out on a night of bible study. Granted, it's always been for good reasons, but still, I can see myself pushing away.
The most obvious place I've noticed this is in the caf... mostly I've just stopped going. It's the worst going to the caf alone and I usually can't find somebody to go with me in the 20-minute window I have. I also don't try very hard. Even the days that I do go, I hope to not see people I know because I don't want to sit with them. And it's not like I don't like people or that I have social anxiety or anything, it just feels forced now. Like I have to be the awkward loner in order to have people let me sit by them... they aren't really my friends. Or at least that's how I think about it. I wonder how much of this is just natural transition from being a college student in this community to no longer living here or being a part of this group of people. It's so weird to think of where I was at a year ago, so deeply immersed in this community. I wanted to finish out strong... am I not doing that? Am I taking the infamous senior step-back? Is that a good thing or am I running? I still want to continue those relationships I've been investing in and that I know are meaningful and fruitful, don't get me wrong, if you're reading this we are probably friends and I definitely want to keep it that way. I think it's just those relationships that are more on the outskirts or where we know each other but aren't really "friends," it's those that I so deftly slink away from. In t-minus 3.5 months, I'll be wed. Living in Menomonie. Starting a new community. So that's weird.
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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