The SeasonAs the first half(ish) of the school year is wrapping up, my mind turns backwards in reflection of all that has been. Truthfully, if you've talked to me in the last few months, you'll know that this season of my life has not been easy. In this season, I've struggled greatly with my new job. There have been conflicts, and gads of "learning moments" and more mistakes made then I think I've ever known I could be capable of making. There have been staffing issues and more work than typical first year sped teachers are given to bear. This new teaching position has also meant significantly less time at home, less time running the household, less time caring for & loving my husband. It has meant that there are parts of myself that I feel that I have lost and I have been continually mourning. And to add to all of that, there is the guilt that I know that I am not living as I should. Seeing my friends making marriage vows to one another or get engaged is a constant reminder of how I am falling short within my own marriage. I haven't done anything awful, I just have been absent: physically, mentally. Sam has been so gracious with me, but I fail to carry a lot of that grace over to myself. Things are getting better, both in the situational sense & just in how I am choosing to deal with my circumstances. I don't just say that to give a happy ending to this post, because this has been a very hard fall; I say that because I am finally through the storm far enough to take a breath and reflect. The BeautyTo get to the point of this post... there have been some really beautiful things these past 4 months. Here they are...
...walking to work most mornings before it got #wintersolstice dark. ...working out on Monday & Thursday evenings and literally seeing my muscles get bigger! ...eating steel cut oats & drinking black coffee each & every morning. ...my almost-daily routine of yoga & meditation. ...hosting ALLL of the parties in our home. It's been one a month so far and each one has been such a joy. ...rereading the twilight series was one of the highlights of September/October. ...quiet evenings at home watching Netflix shows that make me cry while Sam works night shifts. ...going to eat Sam's french fries when he works night shifts. ...trainings/conferences for work where I feel like I am a sponge soaking up relevant information. (#notcollege) ...my terrific co-workers who bring power saws to work for me, buy me combos, and dress up on twin day with me. ...having Sam doing the cooking & grocery shopping and sharing some of the "emotional labor" of the household. ...homemade lattes, eggnog, and hot chocolate. ...seeing family often & friends more than I could have ever hoped with all of these weddings!
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“Autism … offers a chance for us to glimpse an awe-filled vision of the world that might otherwise pass us by,” Dr. Colin Zimbleman, Ph.D. Dear Dad- I'm not really sure I need to write to you anymore, but I think I'd still like to. I miss your shrimp plate and your gremlin toenails because right now these are the things that I think of in relation to Thanksgiving. Dear Judy, Mary & Kate- Thank you for being exponentially smarter than me and reminding me of how little I know. I know so little about caring for and educating and being an advocate for children with Autism, but I saw a glimpse in the past few days that gives me hope for being better. Dear Alexi - I've been visiting your little corner of the interwebs a lot more frequently as of late and it feels like it's really been feeding my soul. I also looked at your blog from 2013 (hah!) and it made me realize how much I look up to you! I imitated many of the ways that you lived life and displayed in on that blog. I'm very thankful to know you, such a ray of sun you are to me. See you at the party of the century! Dear Sam - Things that you do that make me feel special include: cooking our dinners, doing 1,000 dishes each day, working as a fry cook to help pay those bills, playing acoustic guitar when I'm home, and listening to albums I send you. I am constantly overwhelmed with how greatly you bless me.
I want to look back and not remember the stress, the papers, the applications, the portfolios, the lack of sleep.
I want to remember my sister visiting and the joy, laughter, and tears she brings. I want to remember painting dates at acoustic and Sunday night hoagies. Also, jamming in the car to Simon and Garfunkel. I want to remember ethnic fabric and those two dolls. I want to remember waking up to beautiful sunrises and snippets of God's paintings. I want to remember the joy on Alley's face as she saw us there and when she got to eat that ice cream cone. I want to remember that I had joy and peace and knew of love and care. Here are some beautiful things from today...
...playing piano for 20 minutes and I got to sing and I loved it. ...didn't have placement, which I was grateful for. ...shocked by how much I missed placement after just one day. Get me back to my kiddos! ...wearing my daddy's big ole sweater. ...crafting, christmas lights, christmas music for bible study. ...superintendent from Fall Creek. This man is boss. ...new teaching mantra: "Oh, you are going to be so successful. ...Ben telling me that he's excited for these next few seasons of transition and how God is going to use it to teach me more about Him and more about myself. (Glad he's excited. I'm not.) ...friends, I have a roommate for next fall. So that's real neat in my book. ...Adam sat down and took a 7th grade math test because I needed data for class. ...handed in that dern student teaching application. Gotta start cracking on part 2: a 30-pager. #ayo ..."Use your summers for missions. That is a blessing as a teacher, being able to do both of the things you are passionate about to serve God." #hollabenrobertson ...warnings about self-care. I can only do what I can do and being unhealthy isn't serving anyone. I love my God. I love the way He loves me. I love the way He listens when I talk and then moves. Being in the country lets my soul breathe.
This adventure included catching chickens, hopping hay bales, and throwing footballs. We also cozied up in the barn-turned-house drinking coffee and eating way too many caramel rolls. There was guitar playing, laughter, back rubs, and even some tears and frustration. I went on one of the most beautiful and prayerfully-redemptive walks of my life. I even got called out on blushing. The rest of the weekend included TCG with SJ, having a major breakthrough with a new kiddo at church, babysitting, TCG part 2 for studying, filming a shake it off music video with Lex, a four miler, and getting The Man Who Was Thursday read aloud to me. Things I just kinda really want.
...Rabbi to grow out his hair again. ...to sing with Isaac for open mic sometime. ...redheaded children. I just realized a few days ago how much I really want this. ...to make a fall video with Alexi Rae, even if it feels impossible. ...to spend more than an hour a week with my roommate. slash most of my friends. ...the ability to paint the nails on my right hand. ...to worship with friends who don't yet know Jesus. ...stronger relationships with my family. ...a trip home, to appleton. ...Duluth road trip with Cool Bobby and Holland. ...to hear Jenna's laugh in person. ...to go back here: This weekend Sam & I, plus the IV & LEAD team communities. went to the Juedes wedding. Alexi was a complete gem and agreed to venture out into the junkyard to take pictures of us. We spent the morning watching two of the most beautiful people (but seriously) vow to be faithful to God and to one another. It was an incredible vision of this community. Sam's comments included: "What are we doing by this old truck?" & "OOO A VACUUM!" I think we have different values when it comes to aesthetics. I'm alright with that; he's a good sport. I swear I'm smiling. I think this was my "Will you please look at the camera this time?" plea. Thanks Alexi, we adore you!
Lately...
...been drinking about 32 ounces of coffee on a daily basis. ...don't remember the last time I've pooped thanks to high school placement in the morning. Seemingly contradictory to the above statement. ...less than 20 hours in my room in the last 72 hours, including sleeping. ...the funniest voicemail I've ever received in my lifetime. #thanksjenna ...an unexpected surge of desire for painting. ...high rise pants are my new favorite. ...pumpkin bagels are not. But they've been feeding me for the past 3 mornings. ...seeing Lily three times this week and that makes me really joyful. ...wedding fever. Frickin' stop getting engaged, people. You too, high schoolers. ...Jesus books. Trying so hard to read. ...Mr. Weaver car maintence lessons make me feel cared for. ...inadequately answering biblical questions, but the seeds are growing even when I'm sleeping. ...want more hugs. ...Virgil's Rootbeer and organic chocolate love. ...hi, can I talk to you way too much about China and wear everything I wore there this week? ...future fear. "The Father doesn't want us to fear." ...encouragement in the form of many letters and texts. My Jesus is good at loving me. ...so thankful for the past week of friend-making and joyous times of laughter, bonding, and being crazy.
I am so looking forward to what God has for us this year in Governors. This community is good; it is His. d I got to go back to my cottage for almost a week, this time with the company of so many family members and even a few friends from high school! Our time included laughter, food, cards, and many other good things.
Dear Pa - Putting up your picture in my room made me pretty sad today. I'm glad I got 18 years to love you. Dear Friends - Ya'll need to kindly get your keisters over here pronto. I cannot wait to run into each and everyone of your arms screaming. Dear Samuel - Today, you moved all of my trunk into my third floor room, moved three desks so I could get a good one, and sat on my bed for about an hour because I was too stressed to let you do anything. If my gratitude could outweigh my guilt, I'd be super grateful. #workingonit Dear China- I had a good cry over how much I miss your beautiful city today. The wooden handles, buses, the 10th floor of the hotel, honks and honks and honks.
Father, I don't understand why you had me go to China and experience all of that love and beauty if not to return again. My heart is aching, Jesus, I'm sure a minute reflection of the ache that you feel to return to earth, where your beloved remain. If this love is not meant for me to return to this city, God I accept that. I ask you to grant me wisdom and discernment beyond what I have ever received, so that I know how to love and serve you well through this passion that is rooted deeply in my soul. I give it back to the giver of all things. Here are some bits of sunshine that shone through the icky cloudy day today:
...reading Alexi's blog. ...wrestling with my mom on my bedroom floor. ...the men at VanZeelands who came out into the parking lot to fix my rattly muffler, no wait, no charge. ...potting succulents and houseplants. ...watching old home videos and hearing my Grandfather's and my father's voices for the first time in years. ...listening to this band. ...eating with chopsticks for dinner. ...the authenticity with which Maddie speaks. ...a voicemail from Sam, of Mrs. Weaver saying "Dear, turn off the phone, I'm sure Becca does not want to sit there and listen to me cluck over her mustache." as she draws mustaches on a picture of Sam & I on her iPad. ...reading Harry Potter 4 for about an hour and a half. ...ummm, Parks & Recreation because I am developing a deep love for that show. Tonight
...I am aching to see my friends... especially Holland and Alexi because reading their blogs kinda makes my heart hurt, but in a good way. ...I keep questioning this season in my relationship with God and worrying that it's not good enough. ...I cleaned the bathroom and my bedroom while listening to Harry Potter, just like high school. ...my sister and I talked on the phone for almost an hour because we just can't handle the distance anymore. ...my mother cooked us real food thanks to her garden filled with tomatoes and zucchini. ...I cut my hair all off because I was feeling antsy, even though I knew I'd miss the long curls. #itgrowsback ...my fingers are covered in blisters and cuts from trying to clean my chacos, sad but true. ...I'm anxious for it to be tomorrow so that I can make popovers with Lara - girl's been gone too long! ...I'll probably sleep on the couch because I'll fall asleep watching friends and its a thousand degrees upstairs. ...it is raining outside, which makes me once again miss Holland. Now that we've come full circle, it's time for salsa, blue corn chips, & friends. Today...
... Anna woke me up by rubbing my back and cooking us steel cut oats. ...I had long, confusing conversations about witnessing. ...my rollerblades went up and down the same street a dozen times. ...pie from Norske nook though... ...I petted a kitty. ...Grandma told me the story of her and my Grandfather's courtship. ...the delicious taste of Sierra turkey from Panera filled my mouth. ...I read letters from a man I really like. ...InterVarsity staff let me into their Monday night dinner which made me laugh a lot a lot. ...Cameron's stories made me die from laugher. And his lactose farts. ...dark chocolate covered strawberries. ...I remembered I am provided for in BIG ways. ...Anna and I exchanged lavender oil back massages while watching friends. I LOVE THIS PLACE. This summer is the first time I've been unemployed since I was 14. I'm tempted to feel lazy or unproductive or to feel that this summer is going to be wasted. But there have been a lot of ways that I have been blessed with little to do this summer. I want to remember the little things, the ways I've enjoyed God in this time.
I want to remember... ...wearing skirts and dresses every day. ...going on hour-long morning walks with my dog. ...the sight of my journal and bible on my futon bringing me joy as I remember the time I will have there the next morning. ...making the swaggon mine, aka putting an EC sticker and a pine ridge necklace on the mirror. ...doing lay ups in my driveway. ...exploring the hippie ways of essential oils, no poo, and various kinds of nut oil on my skin. ...waking up before 8am every day. ...the way there always seem to be cherry tomatoes by my fridge to snack on. ...enjoying a LOT of sunshine, with 50 SPF sunscreen of course. ...sitting on the floating picnic table and enjoying the company of others my age. ...organizing and purging all of my stuff. ...the really good conversation with my Aunt Mary about the pebble I brought back from China. ...Brioche french toast and conversations about ministry at SAP. ...people who keep buying me lunch (Jillian) and dinner (Michelle) or just feed me in general. ...the crazy amounts of berries and peaches I've eaten. ...skype, facetime, and phone conversations catching up with so many of my friends. I am grateful for you, my friend. Because of you...
...I wear a helmet every time I bike. ...dogs and old people are kind of exciting and if I see an old person walking a dog, it makes my day. ...I am learning that question asking is something I need to get better at. ...sometimes I go in my driveway and try to do lay-ups. ...ferris wheels make me giddy. ...I get angry at the man. ...I'm learning that my words have power and I can't just say whatever I want, because you will ask about it. ...reading is something I occasionally do for rest. ...I know it's okay to just sit and do nothing at times. ...waiting for the mailman to come is an actual activity, like I'm 5 again. ...my love for the Beatles has been slightly reincarnated. ...hippie points are a thing, even if they are performative. ...sometimes I blog even when I don't really feel like it just because I know you will be reading. (So thanks for reading. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I am grateful for you.) God, I thank you for giving me dear friends who simultaneously spur me on to be more like I am created and manage to get me outside of my comfort zone and try new things or rediscover things I once loved. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I am loved and accepted just as I am. Thank you for reminding me that I was not created to be alone and for placing people along my path and in my life to love me. Help me to love them as you do and to care for them as you do; help me to place them into your hands, for I am imperfect at loving them and caring for them, and insufficient at being all that they need. In a world full of oddities, suddenly the familiar becomes overwhelmingly strange.
I found flowers that smell like the iced tea we got the night we bought current juice and watched the women make noodles. The smell of the flowers makes me cry and reminds me of last night when I said the bar smelled like our hotel elevator. I was embarrassed today when I couldn't cross the street and the cars had to wait because I forgot how it works here. It happened twice. I'm learning how to set boundaries and actually keep them; I think getting daily exercise and not reading blogs for an hour are two of those I want to keep. Who made cell phones into computers anyway? I walk alone on the sidewalks, the soles of my feet torn up by sheer stubbornness. My heart is unsure of whether I need to be with people or whether I need to be on my own. I thought ginger beer would have made a great dinner; it probably would have but I got gross blueberry juice instead. Either way, it was too soon for a grocery store. Today I seem to be entrapped by two lies: loneliness and boredom. I also seem to be entrapped by a deep love and a sense of worth. Today I have a desire to seek and to savor and in some ways, to just be. Did you know that they have bumblebees in China? To put it plainly, China. For about four weeks. So much has changed this month, within me and outside of me. I am still struggling to understand what The Lord has for me, for my future, for my relationships, for redeeming my past. I am still shaken by everything that's taken place this year. But I see a lot of beauty. I see good desires. I see love abounding. I see support. I see hope. I am starting to have a deeper understanding of enjoying, thankfulness, and presence. And I can say the name Jesus out loud again; that is the most beautiful thing. |
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December 2022
I'm guessing I'll have it all figured out by the time I turn 30.
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